ready

i'm feeling quite overdue in being ready to get my eating back in control. i feel so out of control. i just can't let myself stay this weight and be this uncomfortable in clothes and with cameras when jen's wedding arrives. it's not fair to do that to myself. so, once again i am going to try to get in control and that to me means stopping the sugar altogether, counting calories, going back to weekly ww meetings and exercising at least three times a week. it's SO frustrating because i KNOW i will feel so much better in just a few weeks, but for months i just haven't been able to get it together.
i know my relationship with dennis will improve because i know that most of my irritability is because of my frustration with myself. he's lost about 30 lbs and looks good and i'm jealous - i don't sabbatage him, but i just want to be able to do it too.
so, i'm viewing this as doing myself a favor (which i don't do often enough) and i'm vowing to give my struggle to God on a daily basis.
here i go.

perfect flexibility

i have struggled most of my life with the thoughts that everything in my life must be perfect. if it can't be i'd rather not do it. of course life is not perfect, so nothing i do in life is perfect, but for some strange reason i would keep trying and making myself and maybe a few other miserable in the quest.
i think i'm getting better - "good enough" is, most days good enough. this winter has forced me to put away any ideas of being perfect and has given me a big lesson in flexibility. the snow in the pacific northweat pretty much brings everything to a halt. it's the ice factor - snow, then rain, then ice - so getting around can be pretty difficult. so, a number of activities have been cancelled. i have a REALLY hard time cancelling anything that i had planned - especially things that "we do every year"...
but, we didn't go to the lights at warm beach last friday and we all lived, my Christmas open house attendance was really low, but we had a GREAT time anyway, then church was cancelled on sunday morning (gasp) and it was a good day anyway. i went to church at mars hill bellevue with kimmie, jen and fake mom/grandma arlene and even though it wasn't a regular well-attended service and it was snowing hard we had a fun time and i enjoyed very much being there. i plan to go again when it's more "normal". we went out to dinner and had a good time together.
because my new church has a Christmas eve service we had to change our normal chitwood/butler Christmas dinner and gift exchange to last evening and - guess what? it was fun and nobody died over that change either - namely me!
tonight is still iffy about whether we'll gather at bellewood for the service or not, but you know, i think if we don't we'll have a great Christmas eve together at home!
dennis and dad are off to sedro woolley to get gene for an overnight and tomorrow promises many delights and surprises!
so, all that to say that i'm feeling like i'm getting better - going with the flow more - realizing that change doesn't have to be bad and that nothing is "perfect" anyway, so i can quit trying and enjoy my life and my family more.
so, i'll call this month "perfect flexibility".

snow day

i'm wierd. i don't like snow days. i think it's because i don't like it when things don't run as they should - on schedule etc. snow makes things stop here in the northwest because it immediately has to turn to ice and we don't walk or drive too well on ice. you'd think by observing the news coverage that there had been some major world disaster, but nope.....just a bit of snow!
the clinic called yesterday and told me they didn't need me to work today but would call today if that changed. i was kinda glad that they didn't call and after getting up at 6'ish to check online for school closures i visited with dad and kimmie and went back to nap for a couple of hours - shhhhh...i rested with unwrapped presents all around me and never ending housework to do! good for me.
i don't know - - i just don't get all excited to romp around in snow - i don't like being cold or wet AND cold at the same time, i don't like falling down, i don't like sliding in a several thousand pound vehicle and a number of other nuisances.
i might buy a plane ticket and go to boise with jen in january - speaking of snow - she has an interview there. i want her to get an internship at the uw.
that's it for today. i'm back to watching snow.

good times

wow. this is the 30th december 16th that the mister and i have been married! we celebrated number 29 yesterday. he agreed to go shopping with me (a true sacrifice) and then we went to the olive garden. we talked about what our goals for this next year are and he said he wants to continue to feel comfortable, at ease, real, vulnerable etc. around me. just goes to show that child abuse never ends, but with God and lots of hard work the damage can be worked through and overcome. i'm looking forward to the next 29.
we're getting ready for parties, family and Christmas - it's fun, but far too cold outside with white stuff on the sidewalks - yuk.
jen has two interviews set up for internship - one at the UW (i want that one!) and one in boise. things are good with her and brett and we enjoy hearing what's going on in their lives and love.
kimmie is good - working and enjoying.
matt is getting back on track with the depression issues and school work and maybe even in the relationship department as well.
i am focusing on my blessings and living in this moment which is a good moment.
thanks God.

my church

so, i feel now like mountain creek is really my church. i love parties and having people in my home so it was really good for me to have the worship team over for rehearsal and a party. it felt really close to the good ole days of filling my house with living hope friends!
satan has been working overtime on the same old feelings of inferiority - - i'm scheduled to preach Sunday and mark is in a series on Hebrews. so, i was given a text and really had a hard time working it. mark is SO good at digging good stuff from Scripture and a really gifted preacher, so i'm really having to fight the feelings of being not good enough. God and i will win though!
the Christmas cards are in the mail as are invitations to an open house...the house looks very cozy and Christmasy, the kids are good and i'm content.

lunch money & Christmas

so, my dad is living with us, which for the most part I love - (the only down side is that i see up close and personal that he is indeed aging and that makes me sad at times). but yesterday was very sweet and made me feel like a little kid again...i was leaving the house for work at the church office and dad says "you have money, do you need some? ok, have a good day!" it made me smile all the way to work! it's been a LONG time since someone worried about whether i had lunch money or not! :)
well, the boxes are put away and the house is looking a lot like Christmas - kimmie helped me decorate the tree (her ocd really comes in handy when you want the ornaments evenly placed)! she really doesn't have ocd, but is frighteningly a lot like me! i will finish up today as i got off work at 12:30 - i love it when that happens AND the sun is shining! then tonight after a quick hair cut i will light my candles, put my feet up and enjoy the moment and count my blessings.
i'm working on not worrying about anything but the moment - enjoy where i am and who i'm with because really that is all we have that is guaranteed anyway.
life is good and i'm looking forward to Christmas.