undeserving

God is SO good and faithful to me! we have been struggling some with finances since spending so much on the wedding and then on the heels of that celebration we celebrated matt's graduation. anyhoo...i still feel hesitant at times to give God what is His and this week was probably the worst. i knew i would tithe because that's what we've committed to do, but i was literally facing overdraft of my house payment if i did. i mailed the house payment on june 8 or 9, which offered plenty of time for it to reach them by the june 16th deadline. in fact, i was sure it would reach them at the latest by the 15th. so i tithe on the 14th and pray a big prayer of faith. i looked at my account online on the 15th - no, it had not cleared and i breathed a sigh of relief because i was sure my paycheck would be on my desk monday evening (the 15th). guess what? it wasn't! so, hesitantly i ask - God, can you hold that check another day? thinking and knowing that it would be of God if it didn't clear by the 16th! it did not! i will deposit my check and sing His praises and will undoubtedly find the house payment clear tomorrow! He never fails! why do i hesitate or worry? i am SO undeserving - but He wants to show me His love and unfailing grace and i am grateful!
my next faith adventure is when i let matt go to mexico this friday. it's his birthday and he will go with his friends to puerto vallarta for a week. God will have to hold him in His hands all week and protect him from any illness that may come his way. i KNOW He will do it - he loves matt more than i do!
undeserving but so grateful.

blessings upon blessings

so, it's back to "real life", or "normal", whatever that is! jen's wedding was absolutely perfect! i remember waking up the morning after my wedding and feeling bad about this person or that person not being there and i was very worried i would feel the same after jen's (or she would). not so - maybe it's age (not as much matters anymore), or maybe i was just too immature at the time or whatever. but, i look back on jen's day and know that the sun was shining, it was bright and clear, everything worked the way we planned, the tables at the reception were full, the cupcakes look so pretty, the flowers were SOooooooooo gorgeous, andy and julie went so far beyond most photographers, my cha cha's were fabulous, the programs were elegant (even though i ordered too many - not sure WHAT i was thinking) :), the food (by joseph) was delicious - he's a culinary genious in my book! the wedding party looked so stunning and striking in the black! kimmie faye was absolutely beautiful and she and her dad did a wonderful job singing "divine romance" during communion! jen looked radiant! she felt so good in her dress and that makes such a difference - her hair was down with curls and a white flower on the right side. they made personal vows to each other in addition to the traditional ones. jen got choked up at one point and i remember brett promising her that he would "go to boise and beyond" because he loves her so much! i have prayed for these two since before they were born and it's so cool to be here to see this part of their lives.
i am overwhelmed by God's goodness, faithfulness and love for me. i am so imperfect, wounded, selfish and so much more, but He loves me and cares about everything that i care about.
i am grateful.

the day before the DAY...

i cannot believe that it's may 15th already and my precious jen is getting married tomorrow! it's corny, but i'm remembering realizing i was carrying her, her birthday, introducing her to life, singing to her and the whole past 26+ years. i've been praying for her and brett before i knew either of their names. God has given her (and me) the desires of her heart - a Godly man who loves her more than ever.
for several months i have asked God for sunshine and to make it clear to me that it was a gift from Him. He is so faithful. it's been a rather dreary, cold, gray, wet winter and spring, but today i woke to the brilliant sun and a forecast of 70+ degrees and sun for the next two to three days. He care about everything in our lives - even the seemingly trivial. I love my God.
this will be a fun day - we're having a bridal party luncheon at the thai joint, then the rehearsal and the rehearsal dinner!
i want tomorrow to be perfect for jen!

Mother's Day

wow. what a day. church started out really good and soon into mark's sermon our friend bill was having medical trouble in the lobby. long story short...he was having a massive heart attack and we actually had to do cpr until the paramedics got there and i am still surprised he is alive. the doctor is "cautiously optimistic" so that is great news considering what he went through, so we praise God that bill was in church and not home alone and that there were several of us trained in cpr and on and on the miracles go. it was awful to be part of - death is so ugly, scarey and painful.
yesterday jen and i had lunch together and i asked her (in all seriousness) if she felt she needed any more advice for me about the sexual part of marriage. she feels prepared, but i wasn't prepared for the tears that stung my eyes just talking with her about so personal and so wonderful a part of life that she will begin in just a week!
i miss mom SO much right now - she would be so excited for jen's wedding and so proud of all the kids and their accomplishments. she would have helped me with all the wedding "fun" and would have been beside herself with pride on the big day! she would love brett too! margaret just reminded me that mom is around in the ways we love each other, take care of each other, celebrate each other and stay connected. that's true. i don't know what i'd do without my s/p's. this mother's day felt better than some, easier than some, but harder in ways too. God does take that empty space (if we let Him) and fills it with His peace, love and good memories, but mom was right - - "there will always be that mom space in my heart that nothing else will fill." I called her Blessed and was blessed by God to have her.

life today

so, it's been over a month since i've written about my fabulous life. dennis and i continued on our "high" relationship-wise for another couple of weeks. then, it happened...he went into his cave not to return for weeks! he stood me up for a home movie/dinner date by going to bed sick 1/2 hour after i spoke to him to ask what to bring home for dinner! no sign of illness...nothing. of course i used my very expensive therapy learned skills and told him how upset that made me. he stayed in his cave and every week or so i would ask "when do you think you're going to snap out of this and talk to me?" to which he replied "ummm, pretty soon." so, needless to say by the time we saw john last night it had been over three weeks since the "stand up" and i was very emotional and WAY overdue for some attention. i was so ready for john to jump on me about not being needy etc. but, to my surprise he pretty much slammed dennis for "torturing" me and letting his father's abuse control him and in turn controlling me. when we left the take home from that $120.00 hour was that HE is to pursue me and john said "it's not about WHEN you'll do it, it's NOW." i don't have a lot of hope, but we'll see.
jen is home and the wedding is in full gear - have had appointments with the wedding and reception coordinators, another one with the florist, met with the caterer and ordered 300 cupcakes from sam's club! she's addressed most all the invitations and they will go in the mail this week! i found the perfect dress - finally! jen's dress is at david's for the alterations and we'll p/u in early may when she's home. it's getting very exciting! lhcf had a shower for her last saturday at babs house that was well attended and fun. she got lots of nice stuff from her registry and some nice nighttime wear! kimberlea is giving her a shower this saturday and we hope for lots of fun there too!
kimmie went to spain to visit kate on the 16th and is to return today!
i've been 100% on ww since the 14th and feeling some sense of control FINALLY! lost 8.2 the first week and am shooting for 5 more this week - we'll see - that might be a bit optimistic.
i'm VERY stressed about money - i need about 10k to finish off this wedding and was hoping a refinance would give that to us, but i'm worried that with this economy the house value won't be up enough for that. either way we have to refinance by june because our a.r.m. expires then. stressful.
i'll trust God for it all though - he's so good to me and i'm very blessed despite everything.
it looks like matt will get to go to nnu if his sats come back with a descent score. i would LOVE it if he would buckle down, do well and really enjoy the college experience (and lose laura). :)
well, that's life as it is today.

moving toward peace

i can't believe how dennis and i have been the last month or so. after seeing john and having him tell us we need to get to the place where we love the other person more than we love the idea of getting our own needs met i felt great conviction and selfishness. i decided i was going to "try" it out and be more interested in him than in my own neediness. things have been really good. marriage encounter just sort of helped things slip into place - things that were SO hard in the past. i can by annoyed and not move away from him (emotionally or physically), i can express my feelings and be ok with whatever his response is. we laughed together the other night and it felt SO good. just silliness, but we never let our guards down enough to be silly and we really need to. someone asked me if things were better because my dad lives with us. seriously, no. but i'm glad we finally got our act together so we are at peace with him in the house. i truly feel love for him that i haven't felt in a very long time (if ever, to the degree i wanted to be in love). he is so much less defensive, more loving and patient in his responses to me, more patient of my aches and pains of arthritis. does it take everyone 7 years of therapy to "get it"? not sure, but i guess we had to experience each of those days in order to be where we are today. i'm kind of excited (for once) to see john next week because the last five weeks have been so transforming. i'm working on establishing better communication between me and God now too - i want to know when He is speaking to me and learn to listen. jen finds out friday if she is matched for an internship, brett is taking his cpa tests (hard), kimmie is deciding what to do with her life and experiencing God more and more and matt is applying to nnu. so many things to pray about! the wedding is less than 3 months away! i am blessed.

the stuff in life...

i am so burdened for my brother and sister-in-law. equally if not more burdened for their boys. they are in crisis. so many things going on right now it's hard to know where to start even thinking about helping. mom told me 8 years ago to "look out for Mary Jo". Mom was her spiritual mentor and knew she would struggle after mom was gone. well, for 8 years wally and mary jo have been so offensive to be around that i've not even wanted to approach them let alone try to help them. i would just sit back in my judgemental mind and think "they are ruining those boys", or "they need to get their act together before it's too late." lately though God has been directing me to Mary Jo. talk to her, try to help her, let her know you love her and are her friend. so, as things have spiraled down wally has gotten scared and more serious about getting help for himself and the boys and i asked mj to go to dinner with me last night to talk. she was very defensive when i got there because she thought i was going to do an "intervention" on her. after listening for awhile and learning that i had no motive other than care - she opened up. in my humanness i thought there is no hope - but i know that with God there is always hope and i'm praying for their healing and the boys protection through it all. i'm going to continue to reach out to her.
in other news...i connected prayer and counseling together in that we were talking in ss about why we would need to keep praying for the same thing over and over - like, is God going to suddenly change his ming? i thought, no, but just as in counseling the counselor (and God) never change their answers, opinions and advice, but in the process of continually praying (or continually going to counseling) OUR minds change and we are continually seeing things clearer and as we see things clearer we have a better understanding about what to do etc. i'm not sure i can explain it well. but it helped me. i've always been mystified by prayer and frustrated by counseling. during our time of praying over and over we are learning and allowing God to change us, internally and/or by circumstances to be able to see his answers. in counseling the subtle direction of the counselor as we bring the same old stuff in session after session eventually brings us around to new thinking and being able to see answers for ourselves where we would never have seen or understood if we were just told to believe something.
rambling i know.

resignation or peace?

john says i need to find peace in my relationship with dennis - not resignation. i need to love the idea of loving him more than the idea of getting my needs met. i need to be open, honest and vulnerable. i kind of get it when i think of my relationship with dad. as a little girl i had the fantasy dad in my head so of course dad didn't measure up and when i got married i had the fantasy ideal husband in my head that i'm told nobody can measure up to. now with my dad our relationship is at the place of peace - i accept what he gives me with love and gratitude and acceptance and what he gives me is enough. i want to get to that place with dennis. i committed to accepting what dennis gives me and focus on meeting his needs until we meet with john again. i feel so stupid when we have counseling - it's like i can't get my head around what i'm supposed to do. i'm sure i probably try too hard, but i really want to get to a peaceful place in our relationship. oh, things are definately better and by peace i don't mean we are in constant conflice or war. i mean i want the "ideal" to go out of my head and know and feel that dennis (the way dennis is) is enough.
jen called to say mary ann will probably die soon - kidney failure. same time of year as mom, a lot of the same mom feelings, about the same age etc. it's going to be hard. i want to be there for doris rai though so she and the girls are my focus.
walked 3 miles 4 days this week and gained 3 pounds! SOOOOOO frustrating. but i want to remember that this is a marathon, not a sprint. i so do not want to veer off track again.
i think i'm being stood up by nadine. thought we had a plan for dinner before wt practice, but she's not here so i think i'll go get some teriyaki.
later.

a new high

i finally told arlene that i needed to go to ww in issaquah on wednesday's on my lunch hour. going on saturdays was hit and miss with my schedule and when i do have a saturday off i don't care to get up at 6 AM'ish. so i began (again) on the 7th and although the leaders voice is a bit annoying and i don't know anyone there i can be consistent. when i skip meetings i do not do well at all. my weight was higher than it's ever been. i think i could qualify for a TLC show. i've actually put on 30 pounds since summer - is that even possible! but, try as i might i can't find another way to lose it other than eat less and move more. so, with God's help here i go again. i'm working on 40 lbs by wedding day! to accomplish his i will have to be brutal.
i do feel better just two days on - some feeling of control back in my life i guess.
more later.

overwhelmed

yes, i know i am overwhelmed with my personal life when last night i could dream that dennis had a list of things i needed to get done before going to see family in bellingham tomorrow and none of it was done! the striking irony in this dream was that DENNIS had it all together, a list and everything and i was lost! it's time for some life renovations.
we went to a movie with paul and donna last night and it was good and dinner with them was fun, but my patience and tolerance for dennis and his dennisness was WAY down and i was really pissy. i don't like that and i know it's not him - it's the way i feel about myself and i need to do something about it. i feel so unlovable, so fat, so achey, so old.
help!