percolating

that's a word my counselor (yes, we all need a counselor, i'm convinced) uses often. we had a nice chat last evening and i learned that to get the best out of a counseling session or get "my money's worth" i don't have to be in crisis, i don't have to be sobbing out of control or anything like that. i was worried about keeping the appointment because i wasn't feeling as overwhelmed anymore as i was when i made the appointment.
anyhoo...i asked him at the end of our time together if dennis and i should continue to come see him or not. see, we're in a pretty good place considering where we started, but there are things that we could talk about in the presence of a third party every month or so, but like i stated before i usually thought of counseling as a waste of time and money if one or both parties were not falling apart at the seams. so as professional "mess with your head" types do....he said "i'd like you to decide that." then accused me of sinning because he was sure i was thinking "damn you john!" i told him it wasn't sin if it was true. :) so, he said (again) let that percolate in you and e-mail me with your thoughts.
so, during percolation i'm thinking if we want to continue on the road to healthy marriage we should probably stop in every once in awhile for a tune up of sorts.
we talked about my problem with enjoying and really living in the moment without the back of my mind fear that the "other shoe is about to drop". he encouraged me to really live in and enjoy those times when my world is (or seems) perfect. he told me that being IN CHRIST is the only way we can do that. Christ is always in me, but i'm not always in Christ. pray without ceasing type of thing - then my thinking can and will change. i'm challenged to try that.
i'm really loving my new job at mccf. i feel valued, loved, challenged, safe and all sorts of good things.
i'm looking forward to a great weekend of family and thanksgiving. i have so much to be thankful for!

go figure

i'm not sure why, but trying to make sense of my relationship (and lack thereof) with sue has not been an easy one. a few years back i went to see her at the hospital and left there thinking "ok, God, now i'm done and it's ok. she doesn't want a relationship anymore and i can be ok with that." then something comes up and i see her or think of her and think i should try one more time and when i do i get hurt. so for the last several months i've been finally thinking that it's over and behind me and my grieving is over. then a few nights ago i dreamed all night long about her - not good dreams, but how our relationship is over and the negatives of that. then i was getting to know beth better this afternoon and she talked about the pain of church friends walking away from them and i told her about my relationship with sue and the end of it and really cried. something must not be over. maybe something is going to happen. i don't know, i just keep asking God to allow me to be finished one way or another. if feel dumped. i feel i all of a sudden was not good enough for her and her new lifestyle anymore. i feel deep sadness over the state of her kids. it's funny because i know that i really don't want a relationship now, it's been so long i don't think we could get back what we had, but the pain keeps coming up for some reason. i hope God shows me why soon. go figure...

motivation

i need some. i've been feeling so UN motivated in recent months. joining a gym has been hard, but i know it will help me in the long run. for the first time in my adult life i feel "old" and in my opinion i look "old". i don't like that. i'm a bit tense about my RA. i'm taking my RX's and getting my labs done (all normal), but i'm aching and worried it will get worse.
today i want to commit to myself and my God that i will try again - healthy eating, keep up the exercise and get some stuff done around the house that i've put off for ages.
in other news. church is going very well. as soon as i say that i think "oh, i hope it's going well and it's not just in my opinion"! i hate that thinking on my part. But the response from folks is positive and the small group seminar went very well. now comes the hard part, implementing.

change

i thought about blogging a bit of my thoughts yesterday, but got too busy preparing for worship this week. i walked across the street in pouring rain yesterday bright and early to vote for president of the usa and others. it's a mixture of feelings; pride that i'm an american, thankful for the gift of freedom to even be able to cast a vote and a feeling that everyone i passed by is my friend - we all have america in common.
i did the deed and received two "I Voted" stickers for my efforts (after being told by a kindly older gentleman that "people have DIED to give you the right to vote") - thanks for the reminder. One sticker for myself and one for my kimmie faye who although we don't agree on candidates is thrilled by the process and disgruntled that voting by mail does not produce a STICKER!
i was disappointed with the outcome, but have prayed continually that God's will would be done and now my job is to pray for and support my leaders and get ready for change!
i'm very sad that "death with dignity" proposition passed here in washington. i'm one who believes with my whole heart that there is a time to live and a time to die and that those days have been ordained by God Almighty and He is the only One to decide when we are done here. my heart aches for the suffering, but He did not promise a life without struggle.
today, however, is a new day and i'm thrilled by the little stuff...i got my first of the season "Christmas" cup (you know, the ones that are red with snowflakes on them) at Starbuck's. that made me smile. dennis is at work for the third day in a row after a 57 or so day strike and it's my jen's birthday and i talked with her all the way to work! i was disappointed that she did not choose to wear her "Birthday Princess" badge that me and her dad sent her to school today. what's up with that???
i joined a gym. it's not much fun, but a necessary part of life at this point.
life is good.