ready

i'm feeling quite overdue in being ready to get my eating back in control. i feel so out of control. i just can't let myself stay this weight and be this uncomfortable in clothes and with cameras when jen's wedding arrives. it's not fair to do that to myself. so, once again i am going to try to get in control and that to me means stopping the sugar altogether, counting calories, going back to weekly ww meetings and exercising at least three times a week. it's SO frustrating because i KNOW i will feel so much better in just a few weeks, but for months i just haven't been able to get it together.
i know my relationship with dennis will improve because i know that most of my irritability is because of my frustration with myself. he's lost about 30 lbs and looks good and i'm jealous - i don't sabbatage him, but i just want to be able to do it too.
so, i'm viewing this as doing myself a favor (which i don't do often enough) and i'm vowing to give my struggle to God on a daily basis.
here i go.

perfect flexibility

i have struggled most of my life with the thoughts that everything in my life must be perfect. if it can't be i'd rather not do it. of course life is not perfect, so nothing i do in life is perfect, but for some strange reason i would keep trying and making myself and maybe a few other miserable in the quest.
i think i'm getting better - "good enough" is, most days good enough. this winter has forced me to put away any ideas of being perfect and has given me a big lesson in flexibility. the snow in the pacific northweat pretty much brings everything to a halt. it's the ice factor - snow, then rain, then ice - so getting around can be pretty difficult. so, a number of activities have been cancelled. i have a REALLY hard time cancelling anything that i had planned - especially things that "we do every year"...
but, we didn't go to the lights at warm beach last friday and we all lived, my Christmas open house attendance was really low, but we had a GREAT time anyway, then church was cancelled on sunday morning (gasp) and it was a good day anyway. i went to church at mars hill bellevue with kimmie, jen and fake mom/grandma arlene and even though it wasn't a regular well-attended service and it was snowing hard we had a fun time and i enjoyed very much being there. i plan to go again when it's more "normal". we went out to dinner and had a good time together.
because my new church has a Christmas eve service we had to change our normal chitwood/butler Christmas dinner and gift exchange to last evening and - guess what? it was fun and nobody died over that change either - namely me!
tonight is still iffy about whether we'll gather at bellewood for the service or not, but you know, i think if we don't we'll have a great Christmas eve together at home!
dennis and dad are off to sedro woolley to get gene for an overnight and tomorrow promises many delights and surprises!
so, all that to say that i'm feeling like i'm getting better - going with the flow more - realizing that change doesn't have to be bad and that nothing is "perfect" anyway, so i can quit trying and enjoy my life and my family more.
so, i'll call this month "perfect flexibility".

snow day

i'm wierd. i don't like snow days. i think it's because i don't like it when things don't run as they should - on schedule etc. snow makes things stop here in the northwest because it immediately has to turn to ice and we don't walk or drive too well on ice. you'd think by observing the news coverage that there had been some major world disaster, but nope.....just a bit of snow!
the clinic called yesterday and told me they didn't need me to work today but would call today if that changed. i was kinda glad that they didn't call and after getting up at 6'ish to check online for school closures i visited with dad and kimmie and went back to nap for a couple of hours - shhhhh...i rested with unwrapped presents all around me and never ending housework to do! good for me.
i don't know - - i just don't get all excited to romp around in snow - i don't like being cold or wet AND cold at the same time, i don't like falling down, i don't like sliding in a several thousand pound vehicle and a number of other nuisances.
i might buy a plane ticket and go to boise with jen in january - speaking of snow - she has an interview there. i want her to get an internship at the uw.
that's it for today. i'm back to watching snow.

good times

wow. this is the 30th december 16th that the mister and i have been married! we celebrated number 29 yesterday. he agreed to go shopping with me (a true sacrifice) and then we went to the olive garden. we talked about what our goals for this next year are and he said he wants to continue to feel comfortable, at ease, real, vulnerable etc. around me. just goes to show that child abuse never ends, but with God and lots of hard work the damage can be worked through and overcome. i'm looking forward to the next 29.
we're getting ready for parties, family and Christmas - it's fun, but far too cold outside with white stuff on the sidewalks - yuk.
jen has two interviews set up for internship - one at the UW (i want that one!) and one in boise. things are good with her and brett and we enjoy hearing what's going on in their lives and love.
kimmie is good - working and enjoying.
matt is getting back on track with the depression issues and school work and maybe even in the relationship department as well.
i am focusing on my blessings and living in this moment which is a good moment.
thanks God.

my church

so, i feel now like mountain creek is really my church. i love parties and having people in my home so it was really good for me to have the worship team over for rehearsal and a party. it felt really close to the good ole days of filling my house with living hope friends!
satan has been working overtime on the same old feelings of inferiority - - i'm scheduled to preach Sunday and mark is in a series on Hebrews. so, i was given a text and really had a hard time working it. mark is SO good at digging good stuff from Scripture and a really gifted preacher, so i'm really having to fight the feelings of being not good enough. God and i will win though!
the Christmas cards are in the mail as are invitations to an open house...the house looks very cozy and Christmasy, the kids are good and i'm content.

lunch money & Christmas

so, my dad is living with us, which for the most part I love - (the only down side is that i see up close and personal that he is indeed aging and that makes me sad at times). but yesterday was very sweet and made me feel like a little kid again...i was leaving the house for work at the church office and dad says "you have money, do you need some? ok, have a good day!" it made me smile all the way to work! it's been a LONG time since someone worried about whether i had lunch money or not! :)
well, the boxes are put away and the house is looking a lot like Christmas - kimmie helped me decorate the tree (her ocd really comes in handy when you want the ornaments evenly placed)! she really doesn't have ocd, but is frighteningly a lot like me! i will finish up today as i got off work at 12:30 - i love it when that happens AND the sun is shining! then tonight after a quick hair cut i will light my candles, put my feet up and enjoy the moment and count my blessings.
i'm working on not worrying about anything but the moment - enjoy where i am and who i'm with because really that is all we have that is guaranteed anyway.
life is good and i'm looking forward to Christmas.

percolating

that's a word my counselor (yes, we all need a counselor, i'm convinced) uses often. we had a nice chat last evening and i learned that to get the best out of a counseling session or get "my money's worth" i don't have to be in crisis, i don't have to be sobbing out of control or anything like that. i was worried about keeping the appointment because i wasn't feeling as overwhelmed anymore as i was when i made the appointment.
anyhoo...i asked him at the end of our time together if dennis and i should continue to come see him or not. see, we're in a pretty good place considering where we started, but there are things that we could talk about in the presence of a third party every month or so, but like i stated before i usually thought of counseling as a waste of time and money if one or both parties were not falling apart at the seams. so as professional "mess with your head" types do....he said "i'd like you to decide that." then accused me of sinning because he was sure i was thinking "damn you john!" i told him it wasn't sin if it was true. :) so, he said (again) let that percolate in you and e-mail me with your thoughts.
so, during percolation i'm thinking if we want to continue on the road to healthy marriage we should probably stop in every once in awhile for a tune up of sorts.
we talked about my problem with enjoying and really living in the moment without the back of my mind fear that the "other shoe is about to drop". he encouraged me to really live in and enjoy those times when my world is (or seems) perfect. he told me that being IN CHRIST is the only way we can do that. Christ is always in me, but i'm not always in Christ. pray without ceasing type of thing - then my thinking can and will change. i'm challenged to try that.
i'm really loving my new job at mccf. i feel valued, loved, challenged, safe and all sorts of good things.
i'm looking forward to a great weekend of family and thanksgiving. i have so much to be thankful for!

go figure

i'm not sure why, but trying to make sense of my relationship (and lack thereof) with sue has not been an easy one. a few years back i went to see her at the hospital and left there thinking "ok, God, now i'm done and it's ok. she doesn't want a relationship anymore and i can be ok with that." then something comes up and i see her or think of her and think i should try one more time and when i do i get hurt. so for the last several months i've been finally thinking that it's over and behind me and my grieving is over. then a few nights ago i dreamed all night long about her - not good dreams, but how our relationship is over and the negatives of that. then i was getting to know beth better this afternoon and she talked about the pain of church friends walking away from them and i told her about my relationship with sue and the end of it and really cried. something must not be over. maybe something is going to happen. i don't know, i just keep asking God to allow me to be finished one way or another. if feel dumped. i feel i all of a sudden was not good enough for her and her new lifestyle anymore. i feel deep sadness over the state of her kids. it's funny because i know that i really don't want a relationship now, it's been so long i don't think we could get back what we had, but the pain keeps coming up for some reason. i hope God shows me why soon. go figure...

motivation

i need some. i've been feeling so UN motivated in recent months. joining a gym has been hard, but i know it will help me in the long run. for the first time in my adult life i feel "old" and in my opinion i look "old". i don't like that. i'm a bit tense about my RA. i'm taking my RX's and getting my labs done (all normal), but i'm aching and worried it will get worse.
today i want to commit to myself and my God that i will try again - healthy eating, keep up the exercise and get some stuff done around the house that i've put off for ages.
in other news. church is going very well. as soon as i say that i think "oh, i hope it's going well and it's not just in my opinion"! i hate that thinking on my part. But the response from folks is positive and the small group seminar went very well. now comes the hard part, implementing.

change

i thought about blogging a bit of my thoughts yesterday, but got too busy preparing for worship this week. i walked across the street in pouring rain yesterday bright and early to vote for president of the usa and others. it's a mixture of feelings; pride that i'm an american, thankful for the gift of freedom to even be able to cast a vote and a feeling that everyone i passed by is my friend - we all have america in common.
i did the deed and received two "I Voted" stickers for my efforts (after being told by a kindly older gentleman that "people have DIED to give you the right to vote") - thanks for the reminder. One sticker for myself and one for my kimmie faye who although we don't agree on candidates is thrilled by the process and disgruntled that voting by mail does not produce a STICKER!
i was disappointed with the outcome, but have prayed continually that God's will would be done and now my job is to pray for and support my leaders and get ready for change!
i'm very sad that "death with dignity" proposition passed here in washington. i'm one who believes with my whole heart that there is a time to live and a time to die and that those days have been ordained by God Almighty and He is the only One to decide when we are done here. my heart aches for the suffering, but He did not promise a life without struggle.
today, however, is a new day and i'm thrilled by the little stuff...i got my first of the season "Christmas" cup (you know, the ones that are red with snowflakes on them) at Starbuck's. that made me smile. dennis is at work for the third day in a row after a 57 or so day strike and it's my jen's birthday and i talked with her all the way to work! i was disappointed that she did not choose to wear her "Birthday Princess" badge that me and her dad sent her to school today. what's up with that???
i joined a gym. it's not much fun, but a necessary part of life at this point.
life is good.

perfect peace

God will keep me in perfect peace as long as my mind is stayed on Him. i'm thankful today for the perfect, deep, settled peace God gives even in the midst of great uncertainty as long as i keep my mind on Him. the financial issues resulting from the strike of 52 days should have me going crazy and not sleeping at night - but, instead i give it to God every day and keep focused on Him and he gives me peace.
thank you Lord.

reality

sometimes it hurts. with dad living with us and as i try to help him navigate the doctor changes, understanding his medications and his physical issues right now it makes me sad that he is growing old. as a kid i used to keep very close track of my parents ages and with each few years or decade change i remember thinking "ok they're in their 40's, that's not so old." Then..."they're in their 50's, that's not so old." and on it went. when mom died at 66 that seemed painfully young. and now as dad looks at 75 i still think of that as young, but the reality is that he's slowing down and age is a factor more and more each year. it makes me sad. it makes me tearful at times. i miss the days with both parents - those years that i thought would never end...MY parents wouldn't die. but she did, and they do.
jen's getting married, kimmie faye is a real social worker, matt is a senior in high school...reality is real alright.

how things happen

so i got called to work today (thank you Lord, we need $$$) and God used me in my first two encounters - a lady began to cry over losing her mom - i was able to share a bit about how it feels and how it does get better. then a lady began to cry over her suicidal teenage daughter - my how God orchestrates our lives and our encounters! i was able to empathize with her pain and fear. not great big things, but when we offer ourselves to be used by God (imperfections and all) He is faithful and will use us.

ineffective

there is so much trauma in this world. today i feel so ineffective in easing any of it. i know that satan loves to do this to me; get me to feel like a failure and not equipped for the ministry God has called me to.
with a lump in my throat for the homeless woman who called needing shelter for her and four children i'm asking God to guide me and lead me and use me to help make even a miniscule difference in someone's life.
where God calls He equips - even me.

faith

i've read about faith, i've preached about faith and most days i've claimed to possess faith. but this week faith is a difficult discipline for me. i have to have faith in so many areas - the boeing situation and our lack of income and most difficult my children (just to name a couple). faith that God knows what i need before i need it and He will supply my needs, and faith that God loves my precious babies so much more than i could or ever imagine that i could.
i struggle with my fears as matt is in a difficult place in his young life. he's struggling with some depression over life issues and i for the first time can't kiss him and make everything all better. we are both learning the "one day at a time" stuff and are also learning to put it all in God's hands and trust.
it can be hard, but as i just preached today He can use me so much more effectively when i admit my imperfections, fears and struggles and give them to Him.
today i choose to trust Him.