resignation or peace?

john says i need to find peace in my relationship with dennis - not resignation. i need to love the idea of loving him more than the idea of getting my needs met. i need to be open, honest and vulnerable. i kind of get it when i think of my relationship with dad. as a little girl i had the fantasy dad in my head so of course dad didn't measure up and when i got married i had the fantasy ideal husband in my head that i'm told nobody can measure up to. now with my dad our relationship is at the place of peace - i accept what he gives me with love and gratitude and acceptance and what he gives me is enough. i want to get to that place with dennis. i committed to accepting what dennis gives me and focus on meeting his needs until we meet with john again. i feel so stupid when we have counseling - it's like i can't get my head around what i'm supposed to do. i'm sure i probably try too hard, but i really want to get to a peaceful place in our relationship. oh, things are definately better and by peace i don't mean we are in constant conflice or war. i mean i want the "ideal" to go out of my head and know and feel that dennis (the way dennis is) is enough.
jen called to say mary ann will probably die soon - kidney failure. same time of year as mom, a lot of the same mom feelings, about the same age etc. it's going to be hard. i want to be there for doris rai though so she and the girls are my focus.
walked 3 miles 4 days this week and gained 3 pounds! SOOOOOO frustrating. but i want to remember that this is a marathon, not a sprint. i so do not want to veer off track again.
i think i'm being stood up by nadine. thought we had a plan for dinner before wt practice, but she's not here so i think i'll go get some teriyaki.
later.

a new high

i finally told arlene that i needed to go to ww in issaquah on wednesday's on my lunch hour. going on saturdays was hit and miss with my schedule and when i do have a saturday off i don't care to get up at 6 AM'ish. so i began (again) on the 7th and although the leaders voice is a bit annoying and i don't know anyone there i can be consistent. when i skip meetings i do not do well at all. my weight was higher than it's ever been. i think i could qualify for a TLC show. i've actually put on 30 pounds since summer - is that even possible! but, try as i might i can't find another way to lose it other than eat less and move more. so, with God's help here i go again. i'm working on 40 lbs by wedding day! to accomplish his i will have to be brutal.
i do feel better just two days on - some feeling of control back in my life i guess.
more later.

overwhelmed

yes, i know i am overwhelmed with my personal life when last night i could dream that dennis had a list of things i needed to get done before going to see family in bellingham tomorrow and none of it was done! the striking irony in this dream was that DENNIS had it all together, a list and everything and i was lost! it's time for some life renovations.
we went to a movie with paul and donna last night and it was good and dinner with them was fun, but my patience and tolerance for dennis and his dennisness was WAY down and i was really pissy. i don't like that and i know it's not him - it's the way i feel about myself and i need to do something about it. i feel so unlovable, so fat, so achey, so old.
help!