resignation or peace?

john says i need to find peace in my relationship with dennis - not resignation. i need to love the idea of loving him more than the idea of getting my needs met. i need to be open, honest and vulnerable. i kind of get it when i think of my relationship with dad. as a little girl i had the fantasy dad in my head so of course dad didn't measure up and when i got married i had the fantasy ideal husband in my head that i'm told nobody can measure up to. now with my dad our relationship is at the place of peace - i accept what he gives me with love and gratitude and acceptance and what he gives me is enough. i want to get to that place with dennis. i committed to accepting what dennis gives me and focus on meeting his needs until we meet with john again. i feel so stupid when we have counseling - it's like i can't get my head around what i'm supposed to do. i'm sure i probably try too hard, but i really want to get to a peaceful place in our relationship. oh, things are definately better and by peace i don't mean we are in constant conflice or war. i mean i want the "ideal" to go out of my head and know and feel that dennis (the way dennis is) is enough.
jen called to say mary ann will probably die soon - kidney failure. same time of year as mom, a lot of the same mom feelings, about the same age etc. it's going to be hard. i want to be there for doris rai though so she and the girls are my focus.
walked 3 miles 4 days this week and gained 3 pounds! SOOOOOO frustrating. but i want to remember that this is a marathon, not a sprint. i so do not want to veer off track again.
i think i'm being stood up by nadine. thought we had a plan for dinner before wt practice, but she's not here so i think i'll go get some teriyaki.
later.