go figure

i'm not sure why, but trying to make sense of my relationship (and lack thereof) with sue has not been an easy one. a few years back i went to see her at the hospital and left there thinking "ok, God, now i'm done and it's ok. she doesn't want a relationship anymore and i can be ok with that." then something comes up and i see her or think of her and think i should try one more time and when i do i get hurt. so for the last several months i've been finally thinking that it's over and behind me and my grieving is over. then a few nights ago i dreamed all night long about her - not good dreams, but how our relationship is over and the negatives of that. then i was getting to know beth better this afternoon and she talked about the pain of church friends walking away from them and i told her about my relationship with sue and the end of it and really cried. something must not be over. maybe something is going to happen. i don't know, i just keep asking God to allow me to be finished one way or another. if feel dumped. i feel i all of a sudden was not good enough for her and her new lifestyle anymore. i feel deep sadness over the state of her kids. it's funny because i know that i really don't want a relationship now, it's been so long i don't think we could get back what we had, but the pain keeps coming up for some reason. i hope God shows me why soon. go figure...